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Thread: The BlazerUnit Holiday Thread Special, December 19th

  1. #21
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    Default Stop trying to cancel my show before its finished airing

    ANNOUNCER: Welcome back to the BlazerUnit Holiday Special! Sponsored locally by Revco, Eastern Airlines, and Classic 105.7 WRJM.

    Once again, your host...BlazerUnit!

    (warm applause)

    BLAZERUNIT: Folks, I want to take time and apologize for our last segment; I wasn't expecting things to degrade in that direction. We almost lost control of the show, but we're right back on track now. We're gonna salvage this thing and have a great holiday show...who's with me? ['Yeah!' yells the crowd]

    Coming to the stage...you used to know him as the chieftain of round but sound Trojan defense. You used to know her as the thick southern chick who tested Dixie Carter's patience on the hit TV show Designing Women. Please, give it up for Fake Wayne Bolt and Fake Delta Burke!

    (Wayne and Delta walk from behind the curtain waving in unison to hearty applause)

    BLAZERUNIT: Wayne! Still looking dapper and dashing after all these years! And Delta...yeah, babe...you know what's up after the show. Major Dad ain't gotta know nuthin' about our late night Huddle House runs...

    FAKE DELTA BURKE: Oh, stop! (laughs)

    FAKE WAYNE BOLT: Blaze, nobody knows better than us about that good, good holiday food--perhaps too much! (audience laughs) We've got our health in check, but we still like good eats. Here's a little ditty here we think everyone will relate to as they go out shopping for wrong sized clothing. Save those receipts!

    FAKE DELTA BURKE: And as always, go with stretch material whenever possible!

    (backing band plays tune to this rhythm)

    FAKE WAYNE BOLT:
    O Krispy Kreme, O Krispy Kreme
    You're lovely and enticing
    O Krispy Kreme, O Krispy Kreme
    How beautiful your icing
    My palate you do satiate
    I'll order three...No make that eight!
    O Krispy Kreme, O Krispy Kreme
    You're lovely and enticing.


    FAKE DELTA BURKE:
    O Krispy Kreme, O Krispy Kreme
    It's more than predilection
    O Krispy Kreme, O Krispy Kreme
    It's physical addiction
    I can't control my appetite
    I long for just another bite
    O Krispy Kreme, O Krispy Kreme
    You're lovely and enticing.


    FAKE WAYNE and FAKE DELTA in unison:
    O Krispy Kreme, O Krispy Kreme
    You're full of carbohydrates
    O Krispy Kreme, O Krispy Kreme
    I've lost control of my weight
    I view the mirror with disgust
    Look like a hippopotamus
    O Krispy Kreme, O Krispy Kreme
    You're lovely and enticing.

    O Krispy Kreme, O Krispy Kreme
    I've grown beyond proportion
    O Krispy Kreme, O Krispy Kreme
    My shorts require contortion
    Obesity's my middle name
    And I know where to pin the blame
    O Krispy Kreme, O Krispy Kreme
    You're lovely and enticing.


    (hearty applause)

    BLAZERUNIT:Truly beautiful. We've got an open segment--could you guys do one more?

    FAKE WAYNE and FAKE DELTA: No problem!

    (Wayne and Delta consult with the band, who then starts music to this tune)

    FAKE DELTA:
    A Weigh In The Bathroom,
    I stepped on the scale
    The number that rolled up,
    It made me turn pale

    My first inclination,
    A gun to my head
    Perhaps that's too drastic,
    I'll diet instead


    FAKE WAYNE:
    So, back from the Health store
    I come with low carb
    Determined to shed pounds,
    With help from wife, Barb

    Two weeks of hard work-outs,
    And starved on my ass
    The scale in the bathroom,
    I happen to pass...


    FAKE WAYNE and FAKE DELTA in unison:
    I anxiously step up,
    But when I look down
    Horror of horrors,
    I just lost one pound!

    To Hell with the diet,
    I ate a whole cake..
    And A Weigh In The Bathroom,
    I no longer take....


    (long raucous applause)

    BLAZERUNIT: [wiping eyes] Incredible. You have to be in the holiday spirit after that one. Up next, a visit from a championship football coach--keep it right here!

    ANNOUNCER: We'll be right back after this message.

  2. #22
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    Quote Originally Posted by blazerunit View Post
    announcer: Welcome back to the blazerunit holiday special! Sponsored locally by revco, eastern airlines, and classic 105.7 wrjm.

    Once again, your host...blazerunit!

    (warm applause)

    blazerunit: Folks, i want to take time and apologize for our last segment; i wasn't expecting things to degrade in that direction. We almost lost control of the show, but we're right back on track now. We're gonna salvage this thing and have a great holiday show...who's with me? ['yeah!' yells the crowd]

    coming to the stage...you used to know him as the chieftain of round but sound trojan defense. You used to know her as the thick southern chick who tested dixie carter's patience on the hit tv show designing women. Please, give it up for fake wayne bolt and fake delta burke!

    (wayne and delta walk from behind the curtain waving in unison to hearty applause)

    blazerunit: Wayne! Still looking dapper and dashing after all these years! And delta...yeah, babe...you know what's up after the show. major dad ain't gotta know nuthin' about our late night huddle house runs...

    Fake delta burke: Oh, stop! (laughs)

    fake wayne bolt: Blaze, nobody knows better than us about that good, good holiday food--perhaps too much! (audience laughs) we've got our health in check, but we still like good eats. Here's a little ditty here we think everyone will relate to as they go out shopping for wrong sized clothing. Save those receipts!

    Fake delta burke: And as always, go with stretch material whenever possible!

    (backing band plays tune to this rhythm)

    fake wayne bolt:
    o krispy kreme, o krispy kreme
    you're lovely and enticing
    o krispy kreme, o krispy kreme
    how beautiful your icing
    my palate you do satiate
    i'll order three...no make that eight!
    O krispy kreme, o krispy kreme
    you're lovely and enticing.


    fake delta burke:
    o krispy kreme, o krispy kreme
    it's more than predilection
    o krispy kreme, o krispy kreme
    it's physical addiction
    i can't control my appetite
    i long for just another bite
    o krispy kreme, o krispy kreme
    you're lovely and enticing.


    fake wayne and fake delta in unison:
    o krispy kreme, o krispy kreme
    you're full of carbohydrates
    o krispy kreme, o krispy kreme
    i've lost control of my weight
    i view the mirror with disgust
    look like a hippopotamus
    o krispy kreme, o krispy kreme
    you're lovely and enticing.

    O krispy kreme, o krispy kreme
    i've grown beyond proportion
    o krispy kreme, o krispy kreme
    my shorts require contortion
    obesity's my middle name
    and i know where to pin the blame
    o krispy kreme, o krispy kreme
    you're lovely and enticing.


    (hearty applause)

    blazerunit:truly beautiful. We've got an open segment--could you guys do one more?

    Fake wayne and fake delta: No problem!

    (wayne and delta consult with the band, who then starts music to this tune)

    fake delta:
    a weigh in the bathroom,
    i stepped on the scale
    the number that rolled up,
    it made me turn pale

    my first inclination,
    a gun to my head
    perhaps that's too drastic,
    i'll diet instead


    fake wayne:
    so, back from the health store
    i come with low carb
    determined to shed pounds,
    with help from wife, barb

    two weeks of hard work-outs,
    and starved on my ass
    the scale in the bathroom,
    i happen to pass...


    fake wayne and fake delta in unison:
    i anxiously step up,
    but when i look down
    horror of horrors,
    i just lost one pound!

    To hell with the diet,
    i ate a whole cake..
    And a weigh in the bathroom,
    i no longer take....


    (long raucous applause)

    blazerunit: [wiping eyes] incredible. You have to be in the holiday spirit after that one. Up next, a visit from a championship football coach--keep it right here!

    Announcer: We'll be right back after this message.
    24-23
    Doug

  3. #23
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    This might be the most idiotic, stupid, and most boring thing I have ever seen posted on GTT.com's forums. And I sincerely mean that.

  4. #24
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    Quote Originally Posted by CHughes1102 View Post
    This might be the most idiotic, stupid, and most boring thing I have ever seen posted on GTT.com's forums. And I sincerely mean that.

  5. #25
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    Quote Originally Posted by BlazerUnit View Post
    BLAZERUNIT: Blah-blah-blah

    DOUG4TROY: 24-23

    BLAZERUNIT: But, blah-blah-blah

    DOUG4TROY: 24-23

    BLAZERUNIT: How about blah-blah-blah

    DOUG4TROY: 24-23

    BLAZERUNIT: But you haven't considered blah-blah-blah

    DOUG4TROY: 24-23

    BLAZERUNIT: Is that all you are going to blah-blah-blah

    DOUG4TROY: 24-23
    Doug

  6. #26
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    24-23 (Preemptive, based on expective response)
    Doug

  7. #27
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    24-23...24-23...24-23...24-23...24-23...24-23...24-23...24-23...24-23...24-23...24-23...24-23...24-23...24-23...24-23...24-23...24-23...24-23...24-23...24-23...24-23...24-23...24-23...24-23...24-23...24-23...24-23...24-23...24-23...24-23 (Firing for effect)
    Doug

  8. #28
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    24-23 (yawns)
    Doug

  9. #29
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    Default Nope, it's still not over

    ANNOUNCER: Welcome back to the Quincy's Family Steakhouse BlazerUnit Holiday Special! Sponsored in part by Big B Drugs, McRae's, and Chip Ellis Subaru! Once again, here's BlazerUnit!

    (warm applause)

    BLAZERUNIT: Welcome back everyone. Up next, we have a quartet of GoTroyTrojans.com posters who have a lot to be thankful for this holiday season.
    FAKE DON MAESTRI: (screaming off camera) CHRIS-MUSS! CHRIS-MUSS! CHRIS-MUSS! Don't make me come afta you with wonna those new bats the baseball team ain't usin'!
    BLAZERUNIT: Okay, that's enough. Security!
    (muffled scuffling sounds, Taser crackle)

    BLAZERUNIT: Ahem. Now where was I? Oh yes--a quintet of Troy fans who have so much to be thankful for, but they all agree on two specific things: $1 Pitcher night and Masterlock-ed gun cabinets. Please welcome the musical stylings of Possum, Lego, JPSousa1898, Tums, and ThePowerMan--aka The Soooouuunnnnd of the Suuuuuuuuuccckk!

    (all waddle onto the stage to warm applause, studio band plays to this tune)









    It’s the most wonderful time…
    For a beer!

    With our red faces glowing
    The taps all a-flowing
    And toilets are near…

    It’s the most wonderful time…
    For a beer!

    It’s the Hops-hoppiest season of all.

    When good spirits are fleeting
    From crap that we’re eating
    A liquid diet calls…

    It’s the Hops-hoppiest season of all!

    They’ll be parties for hosting,
    Much brew for the toasting,
    And chilling Bud out in the snow.

    They’ll be scary keg standings,
    And beer pong mishandlings,
    Shoulda been last call long long ago..

    It’s the most wonderful time…
    For a beer!

    They’ll be much brew-o-flowing
    My buzz never slowing
    Liver, never fear…!!

    It’s the most wonderful time…
    It’s the most wonderful time…
    It’s the most wonderful time…

    For…a…BEERRRRR…

    (Healthy applause. Possum and Tums fall face first attempting to bow. Powerman begins to jog off stage holding his mouth. Curtain closes.)








    BLAZERUNIT: What a performance fellas, what a performance. And to think, Lions fans were hosed about Nickelback.

    Folks, we've heard a lot of good singing tonight. I think its time we had a slight change of pace. Who wants to laugh? (yeah!)

    Alright then, give it up for one of the best comedians I know working the college circuit today...FAKE JEREMY ROWELL!!!!

    (Rowell comes out to raucous cheers, even stepping off stage to high-five several front row fans.)

    FAKE JEREMY ROWELL: WHAT IS UP TROJAN NATION! (loud cheers)
    I just flew in from a show in Argo, and boy are my arms tired! [crowd chuckles]

    Yeah man, this is a good looking crowd. Everybody looks good...well, not everybody. I can't lie, I see a few uuggg-uhhhh--leeee folks in tha buildin' tonight. Is that Hemi Man's ex-girlfriend I see a few rows back!?! Whew boy, lemme tell ya. That boy had to give that girl one of those orange huntin' hats so Greg's daddy would stop spraying her with insecticide.
    [muffled laughter]

    Oh man, lookie here, it's TrojanEmpire up on the front row. What two Easters did you put that get-up with...'85 and '93? Good lawd. Not even NBA players wear yellow anymore! I see you brought a date, she's actually kinda cute. Just remember, no kissing on the mouth!
    [muffled laughter]

    Discophobia, my main man. Still rockin' that damn Jewfro. You still got that job at Crowe's Chicken scrubbing pots wit' yo head? [Disco replies without a microphone] What? Well dang man, that's great. Disco is now working with Wiregrass Construction Company! What they got ya doing? Oh okay, you help put down the new blacktop asphalt! You stay safe out there, now. And stay out of those girls lockerrooms!
    [muffled laughter]

    FAKE JEREMY ROWELL: Ya'll, I really don't have a long set of jokes, I just wanted to relay a funny Christmas story my buddy troyaluminmichigan told me about his grandparents. They had been married for 75 years, and they were just as grumpy and grouchy to each other as ever. Two years ago the grandmaw drove her husband to a cemetery, walked him toward an open burial plot and said, "Merry Christmas a-hole." The granddad is steamed, but he don't say nuthin'. Doesn't say a word about it. Well, fast forward to last year's Christmas, and the two of them are exchanging gifts. The granddad hands her a wrapped piece of jewelry and then said, "Where's my gift, you ugly witch?" And she says, "You sorry sack of crap, you didn't use the gift I gave you last year!" [hearty laughter]

    That's my time ya'll--I'll be at the Half Shell all week, and twice tonight! Enjoy the salmon balls, good night! [hearty applause]

    ANNOUNCER: We'll be right back to wrap up the BlazerUnit Holiday Special after these very important news updates.

  10. #30
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    May 2005
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    Quote Originally Posted by BlazerUnit View Post
    ANNOUNCER: Welcome back to the Quincy's Family Steakhouse BlazerUnit Holiday Special! Sponsored in part by Big B Drugs, McRae's, and Chip Ellis Subaru! Once again, here's BlazerUnit!

    (warm applause)

    BLAZERUNIT: Welcome back everyone. Up next, we have a quartet of GoTroyTrojans.com posters who have a lot to be thankful for this holiday season.
    FAKE DON MAESTRI: (screaming off camera) CHRIS-MUSS! CHRIS-MUSS! CHRIS-MUSS! Don't make me come afta you with wonna those new bats the baseball team ain't usin'!
    BLAZERUNIT: Okay, that's enough. Security!
    (muffled scuffling sounds, Taser crackle)

    BLAZERUNIT: Ahem. Now where was I? Oh yes--a quintet of Troy fans who have so much to be thankful for, but they all agree on two specific things: $1 Pitcher night and Masterlock-ed gun cabinets. Please welcome the musical stylings of Possum, Lego, JPSousa1898, Tums, and ThePowerMan--aka The Soooouuunnnnd of the Suuuuuuuuuccckk!

    (all waddle onto the stage to warm applause, studio band plays to this tune)









    It’s the most wonderful time…
    For a beer!

    With our red faces glowing
    The taps all a-flowing
    And toilets are near…

    It’s the most wonderful time…
    For a beer!

    It’s the Hops-hoppiest season of all.

    When good spirits are fleeting
    From crap that we’re eating
    A liquid diet calls…

    It’s the Hops-hoppiest season of all!

    They’ll be parties for hosting,
    Much brew for the toasting,
    And chilling Bud out in the snow.

    They’ll be scary keg standings,
    And beer pong mishandlings,
    Shoulda been last call long long ago..

    It’s the most wonderful time…
    For a beer!

    They’ll be much brew-o-flowing
    My buzz never slowing
    Liver, never fear…!!

    It’s the most wonderful time…
    It’s the most wonderful time…
    It’s the most wonderful time…

    For…a…BEERRRRR…

    (Healthy applause. Possum and Tums fall face first attempting to bow. Powerman begins to jog off stage holding his mouth. Curtain closes.)








    BLAZERUNIT: What a performance fellas, what a performance. And to think, Lions fans were hosed about Nickelback.

    Folks, we've heard a lot of good singing tonight. I think its time we had a slight change of pace. Who wants to laugh? (yeah!)

    Alright then, give it up for one of the best comedians I know working the college circuit today...FAKE JEREMY ROWELL!!!!

    (Rowell comes out to raucous cheers, even stepping off stage to high-five several front row fans.)

    FAKE JEREMY ROWELL: WHAT IS UP TROJAN NATION! (loud cheers)
    I just flew in from a show in Argo, and boy are my arms tired! [crowd chuckles]

    Yeah man, this is a good looking crowd. Everybody looks good...well, not everybody. I can't lie, I see a few uuggg-uhhhh--leeee folks in tha buildin' tonight. Is that Hemi Man's ex-girlfriend I see a few rows back!?! Whew boy, lemme tell ya. That boy had to give that girl one of those orange huntin' hats so Greg's daddy would stop spraying her with insecticide.
    [muffled laughter]

    Oh man, lookie here, it's TrojanEmpire up on the front row. What two Easters did you put that get-up with...'85 and '93? Good lawd. Not even NBA players wear yellow anymore! I see you brought a date, she's actually kinda cute. Just remember, no kissing on the mouth!
    [muffled laughter]

    Discophobia, my main man. Still rockin' that damn Jewfro. You still got that job at Crowe's Chicken scrubbing pots wit' yo head? [Disco replies without a microphone] What? Well dang man, that's great. Disco is now working with Wiregrass Construction Company! What they got ya doing? Oh okay, you help put down the new blacktop asphalt! You stay safe out there, now. And stay out of those girls lockerrooms!
    [muffled laughter]

    FAKE JEREMY ROWELL: Ya'll, I really don't have a long set of jokes, I just wanted to relay a funny Christmas story my buddy troyaluminmichigan told me about his grandparents. They had been married for 75 years, and they were just as grumpy and grouchy to each other as ever. Two years ago the grandmaw drove her husband to a cemetery, walked him toward an open burial plot and said, "Merry Christmas a-hole." The granddad is steamed, but he don't say nuthin'. Doesn't say a word about it. Well, fast forward to last year's Christmas, and the two of them are exchanging gifts. The granddad hands her a wrapped piece of jewelry and then said, "Where's my gift, you ugly witch?" And she says, "You sorry sack of crap, you didn't use the gift I gave you last year!" [hearty laughter]

    That's my time ya'll--I'll be at the Half Shell all week, and twice tonight! Enjoy the salmon balls, good night! [hearty applause]

    ANNOUNCER: We'll be right back to wrap up the BlazerUnit Holiday Special after these very important news updates.
    (sighs) 24-23
    Doug

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