littlebittyschool
10-17-2004, 08:22 AM
Dear Coach Koening,
First off, we would like to thank you for pulling out butts out of the fire so many times over the past season and a half. Without your great defense, we would have never been in posisition to win the games we did with our fluke plays and amazingly horrid mistakes from our opponents. Your dedication and coaching on defense is to be commended.
However, we think the your defense should do more. From this point on, we are assigning all scoring duties to the defensive unit. In addition to having to hold the other team scoreless, put us inside the 10 yard line with turnovers, and generally be on the field the whole game, you and your unit will now be required to score no less than 14 to 18 points per game. We feel that the offense is being asked to do too much as it is. By the time we throw incomplete passes, fumble, throw interceptions, get costly penalties, go backwards instead of forwards, and run on and off the field so quickly, how can you honestly expect us to be responsible for actually scoring points? I mean, come on Coach K, scoring points in addition to all of that is just too much to ask!
From this point on, we will be implementing a new offensive scheme. The offense will now Crouch, Retreat, and Punt (CRAP for short). With our new
Crap offense, the QB will take the snap, go immediately into a crouching/kneeling posistion while backing up for 3 consectutive downs and then we shall continue our bid to make Thomas Olmstead the number one punter in America. After all, practice makes perfect! We really think this new CRAP will be much better than the old crap we have been running for 3 plus years now.
Oh, you should also get with the special teams coaches and players because they too will now be required to score. As a matter of fact, we will be requiring the special teams to return every punt and kickoff for a touchdown. If they are unable to actually score, then they will be required to get the ball past the 50 and we will immediately try a field goal. Running all of this CRAP is hard, so our offense will need a break. We'll just kick the field goal on first down. We wouldn't want to go backwards now would we?
We appreciate your immediate attention on this matter. Thank you for taking this HUGE scoring burden thing off of us.
Sincerely,
Coach Blakeny and Coach Fleetwood
ps When we are interviewing for other jobs this offseason and the people call you for a reference, please do not mention our conference games. Only mention our wins over Mizzou and Marshall.
pps Could you please take a little time out of your defensive practice schedule and see if any of your players might be able to throw OR catch a 5 yard pass? We'd appreciate it.
ppps You were a head coach right? Do you have any idea what a screen pass is or what this "option" thing that the posters on the message boards keep asking about? Maybe we could get one of the GAs to look it up?
First off, we would like to thank you for pulling out butts out of the fire so many times over the past season and a half. Without your great defense, we would have never been in posisition to win the games we did with our fluke plays and amazingly horrid mistakes from our opponents. Your dedication and coaching on defense is to be commended.
However, we think the your defense should do more. From this point on, we are assigning all scoring duties to the defensive unit. In addition to having to hold the other team scoreless, put us inside the 10 yard line with turnovers, and generally be on the field the whole game, you and your unit will now be required to score no less than 14 to 18 points per game. We feel that the offense is being asked to do too much as it is. By the time we throw incomplete passes, fumble, throw interceptions, get costly penalties, go backwards instead of forwards, and run on and off the field so quickly, how can you honestly expect us to be responsible for actually scoring points? I mean, come on Coach K, scoring points in addition to all of that is just too much to ask!
From this point on, we will be implementing a new offensive scheme. The offense will now Crouch, Retreat, and Punt (CRAP for short). With our new
Crap offense, the QB will take the snap, go immediately into a crouching/kneeling posistion while backing up for 3 consectutive downs and then we shall continue our bid to make Thomas Olmstead the number one punter in America. After all, practice makes perfect! We really think this new CRAP will be much better than the old crap we have been running for 3 plus years now.
Oh, you should also get with the special teams coaches and players because they too will now be required to score. As a matter of fact, we will be requiring the special teams to return every punt and kickoff for a touchdown. If they are unable to actually score, then they will be required to get the ball past the 50 and we will immediately try a field goal. Running all of this CRAP is hard, so our offense will need a break. We'll just kick the field goal on first down. We wouldn't want to go backwards now would we?
We appreciate your immediate attention on this matter. Thank you for taking this HUGE scoring burden thing off of us.
Sincerely,
Coach Blakeny and Coach Fleetwood
ps When we are interviewing for other jobs this offseason and the people call you for a reference, please do not mention our conference games. Only mention our wins over Mizzou and Marshall.
pps Could you please take a little time out of your defensive practice schedule and see if any of your players might be able to throw OR catch a 5 yard pass? We'd appreciate it.
ppps You were a head coach right? Do you have any idea what a screen pass is or what this "option" thing that the posters on the message boards keep asking about? Maybe we could get one of the GAs to look it up?